Critical Husband?

We have been married for 3 years and have 2 kids together, he was divorced and has a child from that marriage also.

Everyday he complains, the house isn't clean enough, i don't wash his shirts right, when he loses something - it's my fault, I didn't perform a certain errand exactly when he wanted (he will hound and hound and hound and nag until I do something he wants), he criticizes my parenting, blames any negative behavior of my children on one of my bad traits they inherited. He's also hypocritical - criticizing me for things he does just the same or worse.

I've tried the conventional ways of working this out. He just tells me I'm feeling sorry for myself. I would not give up on my marriage for this. We commited under God. But if I can't change him, how can I react that is positive and show I am not a doormat? The longer I know him the more unassertive and passive I become.

Critical Husband?headache

You are married to a text-book verbally abusive man. Verbal abuse is not just about name-calling. It's also about continual subliminal criticism. Sometimes you don't even realise it's happening. He doesn't see you as a person in your own right. He can't. He sees you as his favourite teddy and teddies always do as they are told. You are supposed to know exactly how he likes things to be done, said etc. When you step out of "his" line you get punished. He can't relate to you as a person because somewhere along the line, probably when he was very young, his feelings were continually invalidated and his emotional needs were never met, therefore he never learned to 'love'. To him you are a pretend person. His teddy. Yes, you will become ground down, less assertive and ever more passive. You'll lose sight of yourself and will feel so controlled that you will BECOME this pretend person.You will do and say anything that will not provoke an "attack," Anything to keep the peace. His thoughts will become your thoughts, his opinions will become yours. You eventually won't be able to distinguish between the two. But they will always be his thoughts, his opinions you are actually believing are yours. I bet everyone else thinks he's a wonderful attentive husband, and how lucky you are! They don't have a clue what's going on behind closed doors do they. And they never will because they would never believe how such a publically congenial, laughing joking man could be such a monster at home. You probably don't feel you can tell your mutual friends how things really are because you feel too intimidated to rock the boat. You have two children between you. This makes it much harder for you to even think about getting out of this abusive situation. Nothing anybody says to you is going to convince you that you should get out now. You have to reach that place yourself. Just please remember that he won't change, because you will become compliant and that's what he wants. The change has to come from you. Unfortunately it took me a hell of a lot longer to come to my senses. For the first fifteen years I was also horrendously physically abused. That stopped but the verbal and emotional abuse carried on. Why stay? By that time I was the ultimate pretend person. I wasn't in any way shape or form "me". But even being "compliant" didn't work. He had a bad day? Take it out on teddy.

You don't mention that there's any violence in your relationship. Don't wait around for it to go down that road.

Take care of yourself.

Critical Husband?paramount theater opera theater

He's being verbally abusive. Tell him to stop NOW or it's over. Tell him he must attend counseling with you.

You may be committed under God, but God would never want you to stay where you or your children could be harmed. Verbal abuse almost always leads to physical abuse.
Leave all the washing and cooking for a couple of days and when he complains, just say, "I can't seem to do anything right for you, so it's best I just give up trying."

A little gratitude goes a long way doesn't it?
I seriously could not and would not put up with that. Why don't you tell him to look in the mirror. No one is perfect. If he wants things done a certain way, then he just needs to do them himself.

This is abuse, whether you can admit to it or not. He is knocking you down self esteem wise, not good for you or the kids. How do you think the kids feel?? They're going to grow up thinking that is how a marriage is suppose to be and it isn't!!!! You need to get out of this marriage - yes you are committed but you also have kids to look out for and to give the very best to.

I'm sorry - but you really should leave.
You'll have to learn to ignore him. Do the absolute minimum you can to avoid an argument, and ignore his b1tching. You can't exactly "put your foot down" if you have no bargaining power; what are you going to say - "threat me right, or..." Or what? If you're going to stay no matter how bad it gets, there really isn't anything you can do. If you believe in god, maybe you can pray that he enlightens your husband. I just don't see that you have that many options.
Quit trying to change him, it's not working for ya. You change instead.
This is verbal abuse. You can't change him. Don't engage with him, you can never win an argument without losing something of yourself in the process.
wow, i think i could have written this story. EVERYTHING that went bad in our marriage, my husband acted the same way. i was ALWAYS wrong, if something happened it was my fault, same!

anyway, i actually had a great friend at the time literally smacked me in the back of the head and told me to wake up! i was just as much a part of this marriage as he was, and i needed to start standing up for myself. she was going to give me a backbone even if she had to shove it up my a.ss!! it took me awhile, but when he would start telling me, it was my fault? i came back at him and said why isn't it yours?

for example, when his jeans didn't get washed? it was my fault. my comeback? why aren't they in the hamper? dishes not done? why aren't they in the sink? etc...

so here we are 15 years later, and i am a strong woman and i pick my battles...
he is crazy that's why his first wife left him
Do you know why he got his first divorce?

Do you work out of the house?

He is being verbally abusive and you shouldn't have to go thru that. That hypocrite part sounds like he is selfish and has to have his way. Try asking him how certain things should be done to his satisfaction and if you can't do them like he says, he can't be pleased or changed.

Good Luck!
Just stop doing anything for him. Take care of you and the kids. Don't do his laundry, don't make him dinner, nothing. You aren't maid, you are a partner in a marriage.

My husband and I were both folding laundry (together) and putting it away. He said (not in a mean way at all), "You are folding my shirts wrong." I looked him in the eye and took my hand and knocked the stack of his shirts across the room and onto the floor, then smiled at him. He laughed and said, "Ok. I was wrong. You fold my shirts perfectly." He went and got his shirts, and that the last time he has ever said anything about the way I choose to do something NICE for him.
He sounds like a real D I C K!! Thats not cool your his wife and he is supposed to love u unconditionally not criticize everything you do. Sheesh tell him to wash his own damn shirts they way he likes it.
First, none of that is your problem.. He is going to miserable his whole life, and he will happily drag you right along with him. Get out there and get you a real man and get happy in your marriage. He is prob going to be a bitter old man single would prob be just right for him.